Three Cheeses, nine Skittles, one Deluxe Leather Armchair. The mysterious Northamptonshire (& Leicestershire) sport* of Table Skittles can take just a few seconds to learn, but a lifetime (or more) to master. The rules are archaic and obscure, and remain a closely guarded secret (from me at least). Here's what I've managed to glean from sources close to the inner sanctum of Skittling power, the elite players of the game, and the Grande Fromage of the Red Lion team, Monseur 'Kingpin' McQueenie.
 |
| The traditional 'Stricken Buzzard' skittle formation of the Northampton game |
Anything goes really, and I mean anything! A throw in the general direction of the table is considered the gentlemanly and correct way. Throwing at the poor unfortunates in the Woodyard (see below) is frowned upon, unless they've fallen asleep, in which case it's to be encouraged. Throwing at the Chalker is well-out of order, a firm poke in the ribs is usually enough to keep them awake.
So, Skimming, Hurling, Lobbing, Rolling, Over-arm, Under-arm, Through-the-legs, all are acceptable, just so long as a full pint held in the non-throwing hand can remain upright, and without spillage during the throw. Oh! and no excessive polishing of the Cheeses at the Oche, this isn't Cricket!
Drink & Fag Breaks
Taken frequently, and usually (though not always) in the same pub/club where the match is being played. Too much drink can of course affect ones throw, as indeed can too little! Since everything is geared towards the most important part of the night, the Beer Leg (see below), it's crucial that a player has just the right amount of alcohol and nicotine swilling around their bodies when it come to the money shots at the end of the night. This is the essence of the traditional game, drinking and smoking is Skittles. Throwing a few Cheeses at the Skittles Table merely represents a welcome break from the frantic business of the bar and smoking shelter.
Barracking
To be encouraged. Sometimes ribald, usually of a personal nature, always directed at your own team mates. Can be used as an aid to concentration. There really is nothing more off-putting than a hushed silence! A separate Cup is usually awarded at the end of the season for the most 'fruity' and sustained barracking. A women's team usually wins this.
The Woodyard
Neither a Yard, nor strictly speaking a Small Forest. The Woodyard is the grown-up equivalent of a Sand Pit. A place where men and women can go to play with blocks of highly polished wood without fear of ridicule. Handling the Skittles during a match helps the Wood-yarders maintain motor skills, can aid the development of good hand-to-eye coordination, and stimulates the mind through play and interaction with the pretty wooden pins. Everyone loves to play in the Woodyard.
The Beer Leg
A corruption of the old Dutch/Spanish term Boer Légar (meaning: 'to hand-down a young Farmer for gain'), this is the most important part of the night, and usually the least fun for all concerned. Banter drops away, concentration is at an absolute peak, there's big money at stake now. As much as £1.50 can be won or lost at this stage of the game, and the tension in grown men's wallets can make or break a throw. The gloves are off now, sometimes even cardigans and jumpers come off too, it's a case of who blinks first and the winner takes, quite literally, all. How's it played? I don't know! I throw with my eyes shut at this stage of the game...
Scoring
Your guess is as good as mine. Nobody knows how the scoring works. A player Sets, he/she Throws, someone wins, someone loses. That's it really. Answers on a postcard.
*The league tables appear in the Market Harborough Mail in the Sport section, alongside Dominos and Cribbage. That's good enough for me!
Next: Skittling Etiquette
