There's a New Chuck in Town...

The Red Lion team, sans Señor Markio and 'Kingpin' McQueenie, won a spectacular victory away at the Red Lion, Rothwell last week. Well they would, wouldn't they!

Conclusions could (and probably have) been drawn from this slightly surprising turn of events, the weakest links and all that... Well never let it be said that we don't rise to a challenge. Plucky Kingpin and the hapless Skittling Donkey have been putting in a spot of extra practice in light of this humiliation. We'll come back stronger from the experience of being unceremoniously 'dropped'. We're up for the challenge. Oh yes, we'll show 'em.... sniffle!

Let's be frank, when a player performs as badly as Monseur Kingpin and Señor Markio did against the men of Rothwell Cons, something definitely needs to change. For his part, Kingpin has taken it on the chin, 'manned-up', and settled on just the ten different throwing combinations ahead of this weeks crunch home match. Acknowledging that this is no time for wild experimentation and fancy footwork, Kingpin will whittle these ten down to a core of six completely different throws for the actual match, reserving the four most radical throwing techniques for the all important Beer Leg. Bravo James! That's showing 'em!

In a show of skittling solidarity, Señor Markio has gone back to basics and changed his throw completely... a brave (possibly stupid) move with only one day to go until the big match, but fortune sometimes favours the brave (or stupid). So, gone the dull orthodoxy of the straight underarm throw (known locally as a 'Full Kev'), replaced instead with a radical sideways hurl, carefully designed to get more than one of the three cheeses onto the table. It's a simple, and occasionally effective technique in the right hands. A potential disaster in the hooves of a Donkey of course...

...and they're off...

So there we were. All lined up, champing at the bit, ready for the start of the Tuesday Summer Skittles League. After a couple of 'dry' nights ahead of the match (it was a very 'wet' weekend if you know what I mean), the going was declared 'firm but fairly likely to get wetter' in the cosy stabling of the Red Lion bar. Under starters orders then...

Several Red Lion 'horses' had pulled up at the last minute, non-runners included team captain Fiona 'Bay Mare' Barby, and 'Irish Cob' Jo. A strong lineup though, featuring the stars of the Winter League, the ever reliable Cart-Horse Kev, team favourite Clippity-clop Clipston, getting on a bit but still good for a gallop Kingpin McQueenie (the famous Talking Horse), Emma 'hooves of lightning' Barby, and promising young Colts, Simon and Mark, horseshoes polished and eager for a bit of nosebag.

We're Off!... but oh no! what's this, Senor Markio is facing the wrong way. As the rest of the team gallop purposefully into the match, neck-and-neck with the fine young(ish) stallions of the Rothwell Conservative Club, the Skittling Donkey is going the backwards, completely failing to get over the jumps, and generally looking like he's been the victim of a doping incident. Eeyore!

A narrow loss then, and although there were no 'fallers' or other serious injuries (Kev broke a nail during his match, but medical assistance was not considered neccesary on this occasion), it's widely believed at least one nag will be sent to the knackers yard on the back of this performance. On a more happy note, we gamely took the 'Net-of-Carrots-Leg' 3-0.

Horse Trough Report: Great Oakley Wots Occuring, Welland Valley Mild, and Fly the Flag for real ale fans. Rockingham Forest 'Red Kite' Cider for real men.

Next match 3rd May: Red Lion A, Rothwell (Away)

Señor Markio's Guide to Skittles. Pt.1 - The Rules

Three Cheeses, nine Skittles, one Deluxe Leather Armchair. The mysterious Northamptonshire (& Leicestershire) sport* of Table Skittles can take just a few seconds to learn, but a lifetime (or more) to master. The rules are archaic and obscure, and remain a closely guarded secret (from me at least). Here's what I've managed to glean from sources close to the inner sanctum of Skittling power, the elite players of the game, and the Grande Fromage of the Red Lion team, Monseur 'Kingpin' McQueenie.



The traditional 'Stricken Buzzard' skittle formation of the Northampton game

The Throw

Anything goes really, and I mean anything! A throw in the general direction of the table is considered the gentlemanly and correct way. Throwing at the poor unfortunates in the Woodyard (see below) is frowned upon, unless they've fallen asleep, in which case it's to be encouraged. Throwing at the Chalker is well-out of order, a firm poke in the ribs is usually enough to keep them awake.

So, Skimming, Hurling, Lobbing, Rolling, Over-arm, Under-arm, Through-the-legs, all are acceptable, just so long as a full pint held in the non-throwing hand can remain upright, and without spillage during the throw. Oh! and no excessive polishing of the Cheeses at the Oche, this isn't Cricket!

Drink & Fag Breaks

Taken frequently, and usually (though not always) in the same pub/club where the match is being played. Too much drink can of course affect ones throw, as indeed can too little! Since everything is geared towards the most important part of the night, the Beer Leg (see below), it's crucial that a player has just the right amount of alcohol and nicotine swilling around their bodies when it come to the money shots at the end of the night. This is the essence of the traditional game, drinking and smoking is Skittles. Throwing a few Cheeses at the Skittles Table merely represents a welcome break from the frantic business of the bar and smoking shelter.

Barracking

To be encouraged. Sometimes ribald, usually of a personal nature, always directed at your own team mates. Can be used as an aid to concentration. There really is nothing more off-putting than a hushed silence! A separate Cup is usually awarded at the end of the season for the most 'fruity' and sustained barracking. A women's team usually wins this.

The Woodyard

Neither a Yard, nor strictly speaking a Small Forest. The Woodyard is the grown-up equivalent of a Sand Pit. A place where men and women can go to play with blocks of highly polished wood without fear of ridicule. Handling the Skittles during a match helps the Wood-yarders maintain motor skills, can aid the development of good hand-to-eye coordination, and stimulates the mind through play and interaction with the pretty wooden pins. Everyone loves to play in the Woodyard.

The Beer Leg

A corruption of the old Dutch/Spanish term Boer Légar (meaning: 'to hand-down a young Farmer for gain'), this is the most important part of the night, and usually the least fun for all concerned. Banter drops away, concentration is at an absolute peak, there's big money at stake now. As much as £1.50 can be won or lost at this stage of the game, and the tension in grown men's wallets can make or break a throw. The gloves are off now, sometimes even cardigans and jumpers come off too, it's a case of who blinks first and the winner takes, quite literally, all. How's it played? I don't know! I throw with my eyes shut at this stage of the game...

Scoring

Your guess is as good as mine. Nobody knows how the scoring works. A player Sets, he/she Throws, someone wins, someone loses. That's it really. Answers on a postcard.

*The league tables appear in the Market Harborough Mail in the Sport section, alongside Dominos and Cribbage. That's good enough for me!

Next: Skittling Etiquette

Introducing... 'Señor Markio', the Skittling Donkey



Señor Markio, he say 'Eeyore Kev, I'm Setting'



Beer & Skittles (& Suppers) are Back!

The unique (and slightly pointless) 'Beer & Skittle' blog, will be stirring from enforced Winter slumber and clogging up your hard drive once again. Expect plenty of  'Beer Blather', Skittle Whittle' and 'Cheese...err! Wheeze', as we sail erratically through the Northamptonshire (& Leicestershire) Table Skittles Tuesday Summer League, and quite possibly beyond...

To get things started, here's the final standings of the Wednesday Winter League, with last years table for comparison. You'll notice we've improved our position from 'almost last', to 'firmly mid-table', which is testament to the number of times I've been dropped throughout the Winter.. and Jim 'Kingpin' McQueenie of course.

Ready!... Set!.... erm.... Set!