There's a New Chuck in Town...

The Red Lion team, sans Señor Markio and 'Kingpin' McQueenie, won a spectacular victory away at the Red Lion, Rothwell last week. Well they would, wouldn't they!

Conclusions could (and probably have) been drawn from this slightly surprising turn of events, the weakest links and all that... Well never let it be said that we don't rise to a challenge. Plucky Kingpin and the hapless Skittling Donkey have been putting in a spot of extra practice in light of this humiliation. We'll come back stronger from the experience of being unceremoniously 'dropped'. We're up for the challenge. Oh yes, we'll show 'em.... sniffle!

Let's be frank, when a player performs as badly as Monseur Kingpin and Señor Markio did against the men of Rothwell Cons, something definitely needs to change. For his part, Kingpin has taken it on the chin, 'manned-up', and settled on just the ten different throwing combinations ahead of this weeks crunch home match. Acknowledging that this is no time for wild experimentation and fancy footwork, Kingpin will whittle these ten down to a core of six completely different throws for the actual match, reserving the four most radical throwing techniques for the all important Beer Leg. Bravo James! That's showing 'em!

In a show of skittling solidarity, Señor Markio has gone back to basics and changed his throw completely... a brave (possibly stupid) move with only one day to go until the big match, but fortune sometimes favours the brave (or stupid). So, gone the dull orthodoxy of the straight underarm throw (known locally as a 'Full Kev'), replaced instead with a radical sideways hurl, carefully designed to get more than one of the three cheeses onto the table. It's a simple, and occasionally effective technique in the right hands. A potential disaster in the hooves of a Donkey of course...

Beer & Skittles (& Suppers) are Back!

The unique (and slightly pointless) 'Beer & Skittle' blog, will be stirring from enforced Winter slumber and clogging up your hard drive once again. Expect plenty of  'Beer Blather', Skittle Whittle' and 'Cheese...err! Wheeze', as we sail erratically through the Northamptonshire (& Leicestershire) Table Skittles Tuesday Summer League, and quite possibly beyond...

To get things started, here's the final standings of the Wednesday Winter League, with last years table for comparison. You'll notice we've improved our position from 'almost last', to 'firmly mid-table', which is testament to the number of times I've been dropped throughout the Winter.. and Jim 'Kingpin' McQueenie of course.

Ready!... Set!.... erm.... Set!

My Loss is Our Win

On a night which may well go down in skittling folklore as 'The Game of a Thousand 7's (and other numbers)' the mighty Red Lion 'B' finished the regular season with a resounding 'Just about Won' at the Bulls Head, Arthingworth.

The margin of victory may have been narrow, but the game was quite literally wide open until the final plucky contestants locked Cheeses in the Grand Skittling Arena. With the game poised on a knife Block, Red Lion 'B' needed just one more leg to take the spoils. Would it be a 'Hock-Too-Far', or could the brave tail-ender bring home the proverbial Leg-Cut-of-Bacon?... with lashings of peas and gravy.

Well obviously he did, or we wouldn't have won! But it was a scrawny bit of Leg, served lukewarm, and lacking the luxury garnish of peas or gravy... or even cabbage. A 7-4 loss no less. 'Rubbish', came the cry. Groans all round. So thoroughly lacking in inspiration was his performance that Red Lion 'B' deigned to throw away a 2 leg lead, and lose the Beer Leg. Well that's a lot of legs to lose. There really is only one word for it. Absolutely Bloody Legless!

So who was this hapless young skittler? Which team member was given the simple task of an easy One-Leg win for victory, yet very nearly managed to throw the whole game away. Who was the fool? Stand up and show yourself you skittling numbskull. Heat the Tar and pluck the Goose, this man needs a jolly good seeing to....

Well.......

.......let's just say that recriminations are not our style. Retribution is a game for lesser teams. We shake hands, we eat supper, and we move on to the next thrilling encounter. Poor play will never become an issue at the Red Lion. The game is played in the spirit of fun, and a generous helping of good old fashioned bonhomie. It would be wrong to name the accused, perhaps even wrong to ever mention this sorry episode again....

Besides, at the Red Lion there's a robust and well defined system in place, designed to reward good play, and encourage better play from those who've failed to measure up to team captain Fiona 'You're Dropped Mark' Barby's exacting skittling standards. I'm sure the offender will take it like a man if and when he's 'dropped' from the team for the next match. Fiona 'You're Dropped Mark' Barby is firm but fair in her assessment of performance, and I'm sure she can be relied on to do the right thing, only dropping a player after a long hard look at the little black book of averages.

A Donkey, yesterday

Next Match: Knockout Cup (28th Sept) To be played at Catholic Club, Market Harborough... unless I've been dropped of course!

The Beer-neccesities of Life

As far as the Summer Skittling is concerned, we're now well and truly on the home straight. Naturally this is the cue for Red Lion 'B' to lose concentration, meander off the straight and narrow, and take a few diversions into the dodgy culdesacs of 'Near-miss', 'Lose-badly', and 'Sneak-a-Win'. Such is life in the Tuesday 'B' League.

Last weeks narrow victory came on the back of the Red Lion's Beer & Cider Festival. You'll forgive me if I don't give a blow-by-blow account of the heroics of the night. I wasn't playing, and there were one or two barrels of beer that needed my careful and undivided attention. Through half closed eyes I vaguely recall the clatter and clunk of polished Boxwood, occasional cries of 'They'll Go', and the gentle screech of chalk on board. Desborough Services came and went, then came back again for the Beer Leg. Did the Red win? I couldn't honestly say. It had been a long weekend, and this was my only chance to catch up on some well earned sleep...

...anyway, jerking awake just in time to grab a Sausage and a handfull of Chips, it was off home to dream of Brown Beer and burning pentagrams. Yes, it's another trip into the mysterious Arthingworth Rectangle. Our carriage for the night has been meticulously prepared for the trip with a liberal sprinkling of Holy Water. Team captain and designated driver for the night, Fiona 'Sat-Nav Not Required' Barby, has also anointed herself, with a dab or two of Dr Thompsons Original Tincture of Garlic behind the ears. But will it be enough!!!!

Beer Report: Lots of...

Next Match (Away): Bulls Head, Arthingworth (Tonight)

Rothwell Face-Off

Tuesday 31st of August will go down in Northants Skittling history as 'One hell of an away match'. Rothwell Conservative Club was the venue, Red Lion 'B' the team. The club was buzzing, the home team played their part in one of the fiercest tussles seen for many a Tuesday during the hotly contested Market Harborough Tuesday Skittles League.

It was an epic, neither side willing to give ground, men and women reduced to mere spectators as the two contestants squared up to each other. It was testament to the sheer quality on offer on this spectacular 'night-of-nights' that things went 'right to the wire'. This is truly what Tuesday Skittling is all about...

So who won I hear you ask. Well, it was a close run thing for sure, and lets be honest, there really were no losers on a night like this. So let's dispense with the technicalities and get straight to the heart of the matter.... Moorhouse Pride of Pendle (4.1%) certainly edged it in the taste stakes. A good session beer with a decent smack of hops, served in excellent condition considering its long journey down the M6. But what of the Ringwood Boondoggle (4.2%), a delicate 'Blonde' ale, eminently drinkable, though perhaps a little too subtle in the flavour department. A point for the silly name though, and let's not forget the extra 0.1% of alcohol in this (probably brewed in Burton!) Southern Lip-smacker. Was it enough to take the trophy in this mighty Real Ale Rumble in Rothwell?

Well...........I declare the match a Draw!!!! Congratulations to all concerned. I vote for a re-match.

Skittles Report: Lost.
Beer-Leg: Lost.... Badly!

Thank heavens for Beer.

Next Match (Home): Desborough Services 'B' (7th Sept)

'B' Cup Wobble

The first round of the 'B' league Knock Out Cup came and went on Tuesday. It was a narrow victory for the Red Lion 'B' in what proved to be another 'Bulls Head Nail-Biter' on a dark night in Arthingworth. James 'King Pin' Mcqueenie seemed to have the measure of the table, with Alec showing good wrist action too, but it fell to skittling legend John 'Clippie' Clipston to bring home the bacon with the very last throw of the night. 7-6 was the final score, with the final match finishing a much-too-close-for-comfort 54-53. Yowzah!

Red Lion 'B' motto: If a job's worth doing, it's worth making heavy weather of it.

And so we stumble on to the glorious Semi-Finals, nearly two months away at the back-end of September. Just enough time to find a bit of form.... maybe.

The Arthingworth Rectangle lived up to its dark reputation, cloaked as it was in thick cloud the colour of Bruised Offal. The wind whipped up, rattling the chains of the Village Gibbet. Skittlers sucked nervously on roll-ups as the rain lashed in, guttering candles and diluting the ale. To be honest, we were glad to be away from the accursed place. If proof were needed of the strange goings on in the mysterious Arthingworth Rectangle, consider this! The journey home took a full two hours longer than the relative ease of the outward trip...... Spooky or what!

Team captain Fiona 'All Roads Lead to Dingley' Barby had left the Little Black Book at home, so no record was made of the team averages. The Knockout Cup game is played to different rules than the usual Tuesday League, so it has been decided that the only fair way to decide who plays in Great Bowden next week is a Naked Jelly Wrestling tournament, to be played at a secret location in the pub cellar this Friday evening. If you'd like to see this traditional Welland Valley spectacle, details are available from the bar. Just use the code-phrase 'I'm looking for Jelly-Fun', and all will be revealed.

Beer Report: Thwaites Original, Lancaster Bomber, and Batemans XB. Brown Bitters, not a favourite of mine to be honest. Please sir, can we have some hops now?

Next Match (Away): Shoulder of Mutton, Great Bowden (10th August)

Mid-Season Round-Up

Much skittling water has flowed under the bridge since my last dispatch from the Northants 'B' League. Coincidentally, a fair bit of ale has flowed down my neck during this time too, but that's another story...

It's now Played 12, Won 10, Lost 2, with the mighty Rothwell Conservative Club 'B' team ahead by a neck, beer-belly and arse from the hapless chasing pack. We'll need a miracle to catch them now...

First up was the aforementioned Rothwell Connie Club who strutted their stuff like prize cockerels on our very own bloomin' table. It was a bad day at the (ahem!) skittles office, but it could have been worse. The men of Rothwell were lulled into a false sense of security, and we took the Beer Leg 3-0. Anyone would think the Red Lion 'B' team take their beer more seriously than their skittles....

We needed to bounce back hard from this crushing defeat, and so we did. Weaker members of the team were savagely cut for the away match at Desborough Services. The squad rotation payed dividends, and through tear-blurred eyes I watched the cream of Middleton win both the match and the beer leg. In the spirit of teamwork, I was allowed to help record the team averages in the 'Little-Black-Book', and carry trays of beer to the 'Big Players' table. Sniffle...

A word about the Beer. Desborough Services holds the unwelcome prize for possibly the least inspiring beer range on offer throughout the league. No real ales (boo!), and a very poor range of keg offerings from budget beer specialist Sam Smith's Brewery (bah!). I resorted to bottles of Elgood Black Dog Mild, which are really not a patch on the real draught version. Come on Services, it's time to get real.

A chill wind blew through the village this Tuesday. The Bulls Head, Arthingworth had come to play. In true Daphne du Maurier fashion, all Pentagrams, Witch Candles, and Headless Black Dogs were left safely at the door. This was to be a clean game, no witchcraft allowed....

We were extremely lucky to escape from the notorious 'Arthingworth Rectangle' last time we visited the Bulls Head, this was no time to drop our guard. The stout-hearted folk of Arthingworth may well have come with pure hearts and good intentions, but who's to say they hadn't succumbed to some form of enchantment on the long journey. The powerful forces at play within the Arthingworth Rectangle know no bounds. The tentacles of malevolent influence could easily stretch as far as sleepy Middleton.

As it was, the evening passed off without incident, and all went well.... although!!!!.... Was it my imagination, or did Neil 'Tattooed Love God' Barby have a slightly 'haunted' look about him that night.... Hmm!

It was a very close match. Mind you it was always going to be.... I was playing, so no hope of a convincing victory! Team captain Fiona 'usually 68 Ft above sea level' Barby dropped herself from the team and was seen massaging our star player, Young Kevin, ready for the match. The levels of fitness required when chalking the score board should never be underestimated. It was generally agreed that Kev performed adequately at the board, though appeared to massively underestimate the levels of concentration and arithmetic required to hold the position down permanently. Expect a return to the skittles team next week Kev....

We eventually won 39-38, with James 'King-Pin' Mcqueenie holding his nerve in the final throw of a gripping match. A 3-1 Beer Leg win followed, and whilst the League may be a lost cause, it's still looking good for the Red Lion's Beer Leg Cup challenge.... if there is one.

Incidentally, the picture up top shows just how popular table skittles is around these parts. This is a mini table at the recent Caldecott Village Fete. A similar table was on show at Oundle Carnival.

Next Match (Away): Bulls Head, Arthingworth - Knock-Out Cup (3rd August)

A Game of No Halves

Winning a skittles match can be achieved in a number of different ways. The long slog of a hard-fought match which goes to the wire. Sneaking a win with the final few throws after trailing miserably all the way. Fielding a good team helps of course...

Sometimes you just have to turn up to win, and such was our away match at the Spread Eagle in Cottingham last week. Gracious as I am in defeat, and humble on the rare occasion of a victory, I feel unable to take any of the credit for this our 8th win of the season. Neither for that matter can Kev, Alec, Jo, John C, John R, Jim, or team captain Fiona 'Uncle Tom Cobbley & All' Barby. The fact is we were gifted the win through a lucky combination of circumstances, chief of which was the non-appearance of most of the Spread Eagle team... Err.. Yay!

Shame really, we were all looking forward to a game, and besides, it was a hard climb up the hill to Cottingham, with valuable drinking time and shoe-leather lost on the way. In the event we bid a hasty retreat to the Red Lion for a nail-bitingly tense game of 'Killer', which Kev won..... naturally!

A word about Kevin's victory celebrations! Running around the bar, arms aloft, shirt over his head like some over payed South American footballer, quite rightly drew a few tut-tuts from the shocked crowd. The rules are clear on this one: 'In the act of Skittling, arms should never be raised above shoulder level (unless to facilitate the drinking of beer or cider)', and in particular: 'Skittlers will conduct themselves in a Gentlemanly and Sportsmanlike manner before, during, and after the match, (unless they're Ladies, in which case anything goes)'.

This isn't the first time we've seen such gross acts of triumphalism during a skittles match. Standards are slipping. The 'Beautiful Game' (of skittles) is facing its watershed moment. Will it go the way of football, all loutish behaviour, gamesmanship, and Mexican Waves in the bar. Or will we try to nip this 'modern disease' in the bud before Skittles as a competitive game is ruined by these mindless 'Winners'. A stiff nod of the head, a sensible shake of the hand, and a gruff 'Well Played' are all the celebrations required in a game of skittles.

It's high time we showed the lead before things get completely out of hand, and with this in mind, I've started a campaign to 'Stamp Out Fun in Skittles'. I urge you now to make this solemn pledge, 'Win or lose, there's no place for pleasure in Table Skittles'. Pass it on...

Next Match (Home): Desborough Services Club 'B' (6th July)

Spread Legs in Cottingham

Anticipation is building ahead of this weeks 'local derby' match at the Spread Eagle, Cottingham. The Red Lion Tuesday League team go into the match with confidence at an all time 'moderate' after last weeks narrow escape against the Market Harborough Catholic Club 'B' team.

An epic game of nip-and-tuck was brought to a thrilling conclusion by team captain Fiona 'Dancing Queen' Barby. With everything to play for, and the post-match supper tantalisingly out of reach, Fiona stepped up to the plate and delivered the coup de grâce and our 7th victory of the season. Now that's what I call leading from the rear...

The Beer Leg proved a throw too far, and the less said about my own shoddy performance the better..... in fact I've said too much already.....

Special mention must go to resident Carling shareholder Linsey, who was playing... then he wasn't... then he was, which is hardly the kind of preparation a man needs ahead of such an important game. When asked about the current 'last-minute' selection process employed for the Tuesday team, captain Fiona said 'If it's good enough for Fabio and the England football team, it's good enough for me.....' Oh Dear!

I must put on record that I've volunteered to drive the team to this weeks away match. Never let it be said that I don't pull my weight in the 'driving to away match' stakes. Admittedly I can't commit to driving anyone back home again, but the offer's there, it's well intentioned, and comes with virtually no strings attached... When I've extracted the current mileage rate from Fiona I'll be happy to firm the offer up and put it in writing.

Next Match (Away): Spread Eagle, Cottingham - Tomorrow

It's Oh So Quiet...

The Red Lion Tuesday skittles team snooze quietly in a corner of the bar...

This week we have a Bye in the Knockout Cup so no skittling action again. Just as well really, it was always going to be difficult throwing cheeses over hay bales and beer barrels in the Red Lion bar! The venerable skittles table is being decommissioned for the duration of the forthcoming Welland Valley Beer Festival. A wise decision I think, copious quantities of real ale and traditional cider don't generally mix well with the throwing of lumps of wood around the bar.

In the absence of any developments in the Market Harborough Tuesday League, here's the first of an occasional series, 'Skittles Tables of Northamptonshire & Leicestershire'. Enjoy...

Cherry Tree, Little Bowden, Market Harborough

Next Game: Shoulder of Mutton, Great Bowden (Away)

Home & Away

Home, as we all know, is where the heart is. Home is where we lay our heads after a hard day's work. Home is also where we play skittles every other week. Yes, once a fortnight we call the Red Lion Middleton 'Home', and like all good homely people, we like to invite the neighbours round for a drink, a bite to eat....... and a game of skittles! This week we played host to the ladies and gentlemen of the Desborough Services Club, a place they also like to call 'Home' on occasion.

Now a home match is one we would expect to win, given home advantage and all that. But expectation can bring with it additional pressure. The pressure to win, multiplied by the expectation that you should win, all too frequently equals an inability to hit the table, least of all any skittles! There! That's my excuse out of the way...

Of course the beauty of a team game like skittles, is that chronic underachievers like myself can sometimes get away with a poor night's skittling, by dint of the dazzling talent around them. Which is precisely what happened last night, with fine performances from resident Carling shareholder Linsey the Leg, and our team captain, recently released from kitchen bondage, Fiona 'You're all in my Little Black Book now' Barby, amongst others. Needless to say, I threw with the dexterity and skill of a blind jellyfish, rarely ascending above the skittling foothills of '7', but as a team we still managed a decent win, and an unexpected Beer-Leg whitewash. Yay!

Here's a short video of veteran team member James '100 different throws' McQueenie, the worse for a half pint of Rockingham Forest Cider, and overseeing a throw at the end of the evening. Look more closely and you'll notice something really quite remarkable... No, not the twin beams of light bouncing off the newly polished skittles table and Jim's finely polished forehead. Look to the left... Yes, it's the (in)famous Red Lion notice board, rescued from the ignominy of the pub cellar, and restored to it's rightful place in the bar. Enjoy.

Beer Report

It was a Great Oakley-Doakley theme night at the Red Lion, with a moreish Wot's Occuring, and the heavyweight champion of the stouts Abbey Stoat on offer. Kev's special mix, Stoat's Occuring was also available, a devilishly moreish stout/ale combo in the style of an old-fangled Pint 'O' Mixed. A good one for the undecided imbiber, a kind of beery Coalition if you like. Cheers!

Next Match (Away): Bulls Head, Arthingworth

Lads Night Out

What a night! What a bloody night!

It all started with a few practice throws and a pre-load pint of Great Oakley Wot's Occuring at the Red Lion, Middleton. The beer was in fine form, the skittles were falling to order, and things were looking good...

Then on to the Conservative Club, Rothwell. Our usual driver, Fiona 'Where's My Scones' Barby, was still serving time in the Red Lion kitchen, so John 'Glasses Optional' Rennie treated us to a high-speed rollercoaster ride on roads less travelled. Dodging tender young Muntjac, and pot-roast-able Pheasants, we careered down the potholed back roads of rural Northamptonshire. Somehow we conspired to miss both, so the Red Lion Game Supper is on hold for another week...

The Conny Club is a fine old edifice in the heart of historic Rothwell. Busy for a Tuesday, and all-of-a-click with the sound of Dominoes, and the serious business of competitive Cribbage. The Skittles table is tucked away in a corner, presided over by a formidable portrait of Her Royal Highness, Lady Thatcher of Grantham. The skittles were visibly trembling under her sour gaze. I considered asking whether this somewhat off-putting portrait could be turned round for the night, but thought better of it on this historic night for Tory's of all persuasions, even the Conservative ones! Apparently, the Lady's Not For Turning...

Thankfully, there was nothing sour about the ales on offer. Greene King IPA, Adnams Broadside, and Caledonian Flying Dutchman, a pleasant Wit Beer from somewhere up north of the border. Northamptonshire clubland surprises me again, and beer wins the day once more!

The skittles? Ah yes!... We lost... Quite badly actually, though the Beer Leg was a closer run thing. Oh well! A good night on the beer, Gordon Brown finally does the right thing, two out of three ain't bad!

Next Match (Home): Services Club 'B', Desborough

Local Derby

The Spread Eagle, Cottingham came to play this evening. Ever so slightly short on numbers, but full of Vim, Vigour, and all the fighting spirit you'd expect from a team barely a cheese-throw from the Red Lion. A real 'Local Derby', and a grand night out.

For my part, the skittling was very poor. Almost whupped by a plucky young Spread Eagle novice who deserved more from the game than she got. I hit the front, sailed over the table, went through the middle, and approached the whole match like the proverbial Rabbit in the Headlight. My Hutch was well and truly rattled...

This Rabbit didn't disappear into it's burrow though. Oh No! Cometh the Beer Leg, cometh the... err!... Bunny! From somewhere deep down (alright, that's enough rabbity/burrow nonsense) I managed to find some form and throw a few decent cheeses. Never has the cry of 'About Time Too...' been so appropriate. I doubt this will save me from the ignominy of being 'dropped' for next weeks game. My averages were very poor indeed, and when Fiona 'The Pinny' Barby runs her slide-rule over the figures, well, it's only a matter of time before the chopper quite literally chops, and I'm reduced to supping beer on the sidelines without so much as a cheese to my name. Actually, come to think of it, this doesn't sound too bad...

Beer Report - Red Lion, Middleton

Great Oakley Wot's Occuring was in fine form as ever, with the Mocha-tastic Delapre Dark available for dark ale fans. Rockinghm Forest Cider was still considered too strong for regular Skittles fun.

Summer League - A New Beginning

The Desborough Winter League finished with success for the mighty Red Lion 'A' skittles team, and what can only be described as relief all round for the fledgling 'B' team.

Red Lion 'A' showed grit and determination to finish top of their league, earning themselves a nice bit of silverware in the process. Promotion to the lofty heights of the Desborough premier league follows. Well done boys and girls, don't forget to collect your winners tube of Brasso from the bar. A trophy-polishing rota is being drawn up, and will be posted on the Red Lion notice board just as soon as Kev gets round screwing it back on the wall...

Red Lion 'B' narrowly avoided the wooden spoon, managing to scrape off the bottom of the league by dint of superior points difference, and occasional flashes of brilliance from the Ladies and Kev..... and Jim. When asked to explain the 'B' team's somewhat poor performance, skittling guru Vince replied, '...too many doubles were missed'. For my part, I can only say that fear of chipping the newly painted Red Lion skirting boards may have had an affect on my throw, both home and away... Now the paint has dried it's hoped that normal carnage can resume. In an exclusive interview, team captain Fiona 'The-Tip' Barby described the Beer-Leg fund as '...in deep recession', and is therefore being held back until such a time as it can stretch to more than a pint of Wot's.

Which brings me nicely to the Tuesday Summer League, which got underway earlier this week with a morale-boosting victory for the Red Lion against Great Bowdens Shoulder of Mutton team. Sensational dig-deep victories for Alec, Kev and Fiona helped bring home the cheese-shaped bacon, with a 3-2 Beer-Leg win easing fears of another funding rollover. It's early days, but confidence is running moderately high-ish for a few more wins this season.

Beer Report - Red Lion, Middleton

Great Oakley Wot's Occuring refreshed the thirsty skittlers, with St Georges Day special Fly the Flag available for traditional copper-coloured ale fans. Rockingham Forest Cider was also available, but at 7.2% was considered incompatible with the throwing of weighty bits of wood around the bar.

Next match: 27th April - Catholic Club, Market Harborough