My Loss is Our Win

On a night which may well go down in skittling folklore as 'The Game of a Thousand 7's (and other numbers)' the mighty Red Lion 'B' finished the regular season with a resounding 'Just about Won' at the Bulls Head, Arthingworth.

The margin of victory may have been narrow, but the game was quite literally wide open until the final plucky contestants locked Cheeses in the Grand Skittling Arena. With the game poised on a knife Block, Red Lion 'B' needed just one more leg to take the spoils. Would it be a 'Hock-Too-Far', or could the brave tail-ender bring home the proverbial Leg-Cut-of-Bacon?... with lashings of peas and gravy.

Well obviously he did, or we wouldn't have won! But it was a scrawny bit of Leg, served lukewarm, and lacking the luxury garnish of peas or gravy... or even cabbage. A 7-4 loss no less. 'Rubbish', came the cry. Groans all round. So thoroughly lacking in inspiration was his performance that Red Lion 'B' deigned to throw away a 2 leg lead, and lose the Beer Leg. Well that's a lot of legs to lose. There really is only one word for it. Absolutely Bloody Legless!

So who was this hapless young skittler? Which team member was given the simple task of an easy One-Leg win for victory, yet very nearly managed to throw the whole game away. Who was the fool? Stand up and show yourself you skittling numbskull. Heat the Tar and pluck the Goose, this man needs a jolly good seeing to....

Well.......

.......let's just say that recriminations are not our style. Retribution is a game for lesser teams. We shake hands, we eat supper, and we move on to the next thrilling encounter. Poor play will never become an issue at the Red Lion. The game is played in the spirit of fun, and a generous helping of good old fashioned bonhomie. It would be wrong to name the accused, perhaps even wrong to ever mention this sorry episode again....

Besides, at the Red Lion there's a robust and well defined system in place, designed to reward good play, and encourage better play from those who've failed to measure up to team captain Fiona 'You're Dropped Mark' Barby's exacting skittling standards. I'm sure the offender will take it like a man if and when he's 'dropped' from the team for the next match. Fiona 'You're Dropped Mark' Barby is firm but fair in her assessment of performance, and I'm sure she can be relied on to do the right thing, only dropping a player after a long hard look at the little black book of averages.

A Donkey, yesterday

Next Match: Knockout Cup (28th Sept) To be played at Catholic Club, Market Harborough... unless I've been dropped of course!

The Beer-neccesities of Life

As far as the Summer Skittling is concerned, we're now well and truly on the home straight. Naturally this is the cue for Red Lion 'B' to lose concentration, meander off the straight and narrow, and take a few diversions into the dodgy culdesacs of 'Near-miss', 'Lose-badly', and 'Sneak-a-Win'. Such is life in the Tuesday 'B' League.

Last weeks narrow victory came on the back of the Red Lion's Beer & Cider Festival. You'll forgive me if I don't give a blow-by-blow account of the heroics of the night. I wasn't playing, and there were one or two barrels of beer that needed my careful and undivided attention. Through half closed eyes I vaguely recall the clatter and clunk of polished Boxwood, occasional cries of 'They'll Go', and the gentle screech of chalk on board. Desborough Services came and went, then came back again for the Beer Leg. Did the Red win? I couldn't honestly say. It had been a long weekend, and this was my only chance to catch up on some well earned sleep...

...anyway, jerking awake just in time to grab a Sausage and a handfull of Chips, it was off home to dream of Brown Beer and burning pentagrams. Yes, it's another trip into the mysterious Arthingworth Rectangle. Our carriage for the night has been meticulously prepared for the trip with a liberal sprinkling of Holy Water. Team captain and designated driver for the night, Fiona 'Sat-Nav Not Required' Barby, has also anointed herself, with a dab or two of Dr Thompsons Original Tincture of Garlic behind the ears. But will it be enough!!!!

Beer Report: Lots of...

Next Match (Away): Bulls Head, Arthingworth (Tonight)

Rothwell Face-Off

Tuesday 31st of August will go down in Northants Skittling history as 'One hell of an away match'. Rothwell Conservative Club was the venue, Red Lion 'B' the team. The club was buzzing, the home team played their part in one of the fiercest tussles seen for many a Tuesday during the hotly contested Market Harborough Tuesday Skittles League.

It was an epic, neither side willing to give ground, men and women reduced to mere spectators as the two contestants squared up to each other. It was testament to the sheer quality on offer on this spectacular 'night-of-nights' that things went 'right to the wire'. This is truly what Tuesday Skittling is all about...

So who won I hear you ask. Well, it was a close run thing for sure, and lets be honest, there really were no losers on a night like this. So let's dispense with the technicalities and get straight to the heart of the matter.... Moorhouse Pride of Pendle (4.1%) certainly edged it in the taste stakes. A good session beer with a decent smack of hops, served in excellent condition considering its long journey down the M6. But what of the Ringwood Boondoggle (4.2%), a delicate 'Blonde' ale, eminently drinkable, though perhaps a little too subtle in the flavour department. A point for the silly name though, and let's not forget the extra 0.1% of alcohol in this (probably brewed in Burton!) Southern Lip-smacker. Was it enough to take the trophy in this mighty Real Ale Rumble in Rothwell?

Well...........I declare the match a Draw!!!! Congratulations to all concerned. I vote for a re-match.

Skittles Report: Lost.
Beer-Leg: Lost.... Badly!

Thank heavens for Beer.

Next Match (Home): Desborough Services 'B' (7th Sept)

Catholic Club Classics

Another Tuesday night skittling thriller at the Market Harborough Catholic Club resulted in a 37-48 win for Red Lion 'B'. On a night of high scores and low throws, the Beer Leg went the Red Lion way too, as indeed did most of the pork pie and cheesy curls during the victory supper.

Here's a blow-by-blow account of the match (though it's worth bearing in mind that I wasn't actually playing, and as we know, the barman makes work for idle hands...)

Alec struggled to find a bit of form on the low-low Catholic Club table, scraping to a 7-6 loss. Alec made up for a disappointing nights chucking with an excellent display of freestyle barracking. This confirmed Alec as a real Team Player, and an asset who's value to the team cannot be measured in mere skittling terms. Dropped.

Kev started well, romping ahead with a few good 9's, Tips, and regular swallows from his pint of Tiger. Sadly the beer took its toll as the game progressed, and Kev let his feisty opponent back into the game. A 'Paddington Hard-Stare' from team captain Fiona 'Sweet 18' Barby did the job and Kev finished strongly to gain a 4-7 win. Last seen nursing a pint of ale, and a double-chaser of bruised pride at the bar.

Jo played with her usual calm precision. Showing rare skill, verve, and more than a little style as she went on to win 4-7. Truly Jo was 'In the Zone', confidently working the Catholic Club table, whilst simultaneously keeping an eye on errant husband 'Kingpin' Mcqueenie. A class-act.

Fiona. Shaky start. Good 6-7 win. I don't recall anything else of note...

Jim 'Kingpin' Mcqueenie was on the ropes, trailing badly, throwing with all the skill and dexterity of ...erm... well, me actually. I couldn't watch any more and disappeared upstairs for a 'comfort break'. By the time I returned, plucky Kingpin had won the game 6-7.... How? What happened? Answers on a postcard please.

John 'Clippie' Clipston did just enough to make the game safe, nonchalantly strolling to a 6-7 win, barely breaking into a sweat. No doubt keeping his skittling powder dry for greater battles to come..... we hope!

Freed of any expectation of the need to win, a very relaxed Cath cut loose and expressed herself with a confident 4-7 win, did a little dance, and celebrated with a second glass of Vimto. Game, Set, Match, Supper.

Beer Report: Everards Tiger Best Bitter and Morland Old Speckled Hen were on offer. I'm not a big fan of the Speckledy Hen brew, so Tiger won the day. A decent enough pint, but one which often gives me a bad-head in the morning... which it did!

Next Match (Away): Rothwell Conservative Club 'B' (31st August)

Naked Jelly Wrestling - Cancelled!

Intriguing news of the day. Rothwell Conservative Club 'B' have drawn one of their matches. So they are human after all!

OK, let's get this in perspective. Rothwell Cons are top of the 'B' league, with Red Lion 'B' snapping several yards behind their heels in second place. Even with this single draw, Rothwell remain unbeaten, whilst the Red have lost both home and away to the top team. So summing up, our chances of topping the league have now gone from 'Nil', to 'Practically Nil', which is progress of sorts.

Our cause has been helped by another home win, this time against the Shoulder of Mutton team from across the border in Great Bowdenshire. As far as picking the team was concerned, my Naked Jelly Wrestling idea was vetoed. Instead I made it into the team by sheer chance through the drawing of names out of a (metaphorical) hat, though following my woeful performance on the night the two-man Jelly Vat may get a try out yet...

The only thing wobbling on the night was my throw. I reacquainted myself with the skittling traditions of 'Hitting the Front' and 'Sailing through the Middle', neither of which are good things in case you were wondering. I lost my game, and joined fellow struggler Linsey McCarling in the 'naughty corner' of the bar. Regular 'form' players Alec and Kingpin McQueenie helped rescue the match, and we marched on to win the Beer Leg 3-2.

As far as we can tell, the Red Lion have still won the most Beer Legs. I think this says a lot about the Red Lion 'B' team's staunch commitment to Beer.... and Legs! I think I can safely say that we like them both, though I must say I find that one is usually tastier than the other... legs that is...

A Milestone Beer, and the welcome return of Great Oakley Wot's Occuring ensured more beer was drunk than absolutely necessary. This is as it should be, and I'll hopefully be along for the ride next week, even though I won't be throwing anything cheese-like. Being dropped from the team doesn't mean I can't support our players in the only way I know how. A proudly raised glass of ale at the Catholic Club bar.

Next Match (Away): Catholic Club, Market Harborough (17th August)

'B' Cup Wobble

The first round of the 'B' league Knock Out Cup came and went on Tuesday. It was a narrow victory for the Red Lion 'B' in what proved to be another 'Bulls Head Nail-Biter' on a dark night in Arthingworth. James 'King Pin' Mcqueenie seemed to have the measure of the table, with Alec showing good wrist action too, but it fell to skittling legend John 'Clippie' Clipston to bring home the bacon with the very last throw of the night. 7-6 was the final score, with the final match finishing a much-too-close-for-comfort 54-53. Yowzah!

Red Lion 'B' motto: If a job's worth doing, it's worth making heavy weather of it.

And so we stumble on to the glorious Semi-Finals, nearly two months away at the back-end of September. Just enough time to find a bit of form.... maybe.

The Arthingworth Rectangle lived up to its dark reputation, cloaked as it was in thick cloud the colour of Bruised Offal. The wind whipped up, rattling the chains of the Village Gibbet. Skittlers sucked nervously on roll-ups as the rain lashed in, guttering candles and diluting the ale. To be honest, we were glad to be away from the accursed place. If proof were needed of the strange goings on in the mysterious Arthingworth Rectangle, consider this! The journey home took a full two hours longer than the relative ease of the outward trip...... Spooky or what!

Team captain Fiona 'All Roads Lead to Dingley' Barby had left the Little Black Book at home, so no record was made of the team averages. The Knockout Cup game is played to different rules than the usual Tuesday League, so it has been decided that the only fair way to decide who plays in Great Bowden next week is a Naked Jelly Wrestling tournament, to be played at a secret location in the pub cellar this Friday evening. If you'd like to see this traditional Welland Valley spectacle, details are available from the bar. Just use the code-phrase 'I'm looking for Jelly-Fun', and all will be revealed.

Beer Report: Thwaites Original, Lancaster Bomber, and Batemans XB. Brown Bitters, not a favourite of mine to be honest. Please sir, can we have some hops now?

Next Match (Away): Shoulder of Mutton, Great Bowden (10th August)

Mid-Season Round-Up

Much skittling water has flowed under the bridge since my last dispatch from the Northants 'B' League. Coincidentally, a fair bit of ale has flowed down my neck during this time too, but that's another story...

It's now Played 12, Won 10, Lost 2, with the mighty Rothwell Conservative Club 'B' team ahead by a neck, beer-belly and arse from the hapless chasing pack. We'll need a miracle to catch them now...

First up was the aforementioned Rothwell Connie Club who strutted their stuff like prize cockerels on our very own bloomin' table. It was a bad day at the (ahem!) skittles office, but it could have been worse. The men of Rothwell were lulled into a false sense of security, and we took the Beer Leg 3-0. Anyone would think the Red Lion 'B' team take their beer more seriously than their skittles....

We needed to bounce back hard from this crushing defeat, and so we did. Weaker members of the team were savagely cut for the away match at Desborough Services. The squad rotation payed dividends, and through tear-blurred eyes I watched the cream of Middleton win both the match and the beer leg. In the spirit of teamwork, I was allowed to help record the team averages in the 'Little-Black-Book', and carry trays of beer to the 'Big Players' table. Sniffle...

A word about the Beer. Desborough Services holds the unwelcome prize for possibly the least inspiring beer range on offer throughout the league. No real ales (boo!), and a very poor range of keg offerings from budget beer specialist Sam Smith's Brewery (bah!). I resorted to bottles of Elgood Black Dog Mild, which are really not a patch on the real draught version. Come on Services, it's time to get real.

A chill wind blew through the village this Tuesday. The Bulls Head, Arthingworth had come to play. In true Daphne du Maurier fashion, all Pentagrams, Witch Candles, and Headless Black Dogs were left safely at the door. This was to be a clean game, no witchcraft allowed....

We were extremely lucky to escape from the notorious 'Arthingworth Rectangle' last time we visited the Bulls Head, this was no time to drop our guard. The stout-hearted folk of Arthingworth may well have come with pure hearts and good intentions, but who's to say they hadn't succumbed to some form of enchantment on the long journey. The powerful forces at play within the Arthingworth Rectangle know no bounds. The tentacles of malevolent influence could easily stretch as far as sleepy Middleton.

As it was, the evening passed off without incident, and all went well.... although!!!!.... Was it my imagination, or did Neil 'Tattooed Love God' Barby have a slightly 'haunted' look about him that night.... Hmm!

It was a very close match. Mind you it was always going to be.... I was playing, so no hope of a convincing victory! Team captain Fiona 'usually 68 Ft above sea level' Barby dropped herself from the team and was seen massaging our star player, Young Kevin, ready for the match. The levels of fitness required when chalking the score board should never be underestimated. It was generally agreed that Kev performed adequately at the board, though appeared to massively underestimate the levels of concentration and arithmetic required to hold the position down permanently. Expect a return to the skittles team next week Kev....

We eventually won 39-38, with James 'King-Pin' Mcqueenie holding his nerve in the final throw of a gripping match. A 3-1 Beer Leg win followed, and whilst the League may be a lost cause, it's still looking good for the Red Lion's Beer Leg Cup challenge.... if there is one.

Incidentally, the picture up top shows just how popular table skittles is around these parts. This is a mini table at the recent Caldecott Village Fete. A similar table was on show at Oundle Carnival.

Next Match (Away): Bulls Head, Arthingworth - Knock-Out Cup (3rd August)