There's a New Chuck in Town...

The Red Lion team, sans Señor Markio and 'Kingpin' McQueenie, won a spectacular victory away at the Red Lion, Rothwell last week. Well they would, wouldn't they!

Conclusions could (and probably have) been drawn from this slightly surprising turn of events, the weakest links and all that... Well never let it be said that we don't rise to a challenge. Plucky Kingpin and the hapless Skittling Donkey have been putting in a spot of extra practice in light of this humiliation. We'll come back stronger from the experience of being unceremoniously 'dropped'. We're up for the challenge. Oh yes, we'll show 'em.... sniffle!

Let's be frank, when a player performs as badly as Monseur Kingpin and Señor Markio did against the men of Rothwell Cons, something definitely needs to change. For his part, Kingpin has taken it on the chin, 'manned-up', and settled on just the ten different throwing combinations ahead of this weeks crunch home match. Acknowledging that this is no time for wild experimentation and fancy footwork, Kingpin will whittle these ten down to a core of six completely different throws for the actual match, reserving the four most radical throwing techniques for the all important Beer Leg. Bravo James! That's showing 'em!

In a show of skittling solidarity, Señor Markio has gone back to basics and changed his throw completely... a brave (possibly stupid) move with only one day to go until the big match, but fortune sometimes favours the brave (or stupid). So, gone the dull orthodoxy of the straight underarm throw (known locally as a 'Full Kev'), replaced instead with a radical sideways hurl, carefully designed to get more than one of the three cheeses onto the table. It's a simple, and occasionally effective technique in the right hands. A potential disaster in the hooves of a Donkey of course...

...and they're off...

So there we were. All lined up, champing at the bit, ready for the start of the Tuesday Summer Skittles League. After a couple of 'dry' nights ahead of the match (it was a very 'wet' weekend if you know what I mean), the going was declared 'firm but fairly likely to get wetter' in the cosy stabling of the Red Lion bar. Under starters orders then...

Several Red Lion 'horses' had pulled up at the last minute, non-runners included team captain Fiona 'Bay Mare' Barby, and 'Irish Cob' Jo. A strong lineup though, featuring the stars of the Winter League, the ever reliable Cart-Horse Kev, team favourite Clippity-clop Clipston, getting on a bit but still good for a gallop Kingpin McQueenie (the famous Talking Horse), Emma 'hooves of lightning' Barby, and promising young Colts, Simon and Mark, horseshoes polished and eager for a bit of nosebag.

We're Off!... but oh no! what's this, Senor Markio is facing the wrong way. As the rest of the team gallop purposefully into the match, neck-and-neck with the fine young(ish) stallions of the Rothwell Conservative Club, the Skittling Donkey is going the backwards, completely failing to get over the jumps, and generally looking like he's been the victim of a doping incident. Eeyore!

A narrow loss then, and although there were no 'fallers' or other serious injuries (Kev broke a nail during his match, but medical assistance was not considered neccesary on this occasion), it's widely believed at least one nag will be sent to the knackers yard on the back of this performance. On a more happy note, we gamely took the 'Net-of-Carrots-Leg' 3-0.

Horse Trough Report: Great Oakley Wots Occuring, Welland Valley Mild, and Fly the Flag for real ale fans. Rockingham Forest 'Red Kite' Cider for real men.

Next match 3rd May: Red Lion A, Rothwell (Away)

Señor Markio's Guide to Skittles. Pt.1 - The Rules

Three Cheeses, nine Skittles, one Deluxe Leather Armchair. The mysterious Northamptonshire (& Leicestershire) sport* of Table Skittles can take just a few seconds to learn, but a lifetime (or more) to master. The rules are archaic and obscure, and remain a closely guarded secret (from me at least). Here's what I've managed to glean from sources close to the inner sanctum of Skittling power, the elite players of the game, and the Grande Fromage of the Red Lion team, Monseur 'Kingpin' McQueenie.



The traditional 'Stricken Buzzard' skittle formation of the Northampton game

The Throw

Anything goes really, and I mean anything! A throw in the general direction of the table is considered the gentlemanly and correct way. Throwing at the poor unfortunates in the Woodyard (see below) is frowned upon, unless they've fallen asleep, in which case it's to be encouraged. Throwing at the Chalker is well-out of order, a firm poke in the ribs is usually enough to keep them awake.

So, Skimming, Hurling, Lobbing, Rolling, Over-arm, Under-arm, Through-the-legs, all are acceptable, just so long as a full pint held in the non-throwing hand can remain upright, and without spillage during the throw. Oh! and no excessive polishing of the Cheeses at the Oche, this isn't Cricket!

Drink & Fag Breaks

Taken frequently, and usually (though not always) in the same pub/club where the match is being played. Too much drink can of course affect ones throw, as indeed can too little! Since everything is geared towards the most important part of the night, the Beer Leg (see below), it's crucial that a player has just the right amount of alcohol and nicotine swilling around their bodies when it come to the money shots at the end of the night. This is the essence of the traditional game, drinking and smoking is Skittles. Throwing a few Cheeses at the Skittles Table merely represents a welcome break from the frantic business of the bar and smoking shelter.

Barracking

To be encouraged. Sometimes ribald, usually of a personal nature, always directed at your own team mates. Can be used as an aid to concentration. There really is nothing more off-putting than a hushed silence! A separate Cup is usually awarded at the end of the season for the most 'fruity' and sustained barracking. A women's team usually wins this.

The Woodyard

Neither a Yard, nor strictly speaking a Small Forest. The Woodyard is the grown-up equivalent of a Sand Pit. A place where men and women can go to play with blocks of highly polished wood without fear of ridicule. Handling the Skittles during a match helps the Wood-yarders maintain motor skills, can aid the development of good hand-to-eye coordination, and stimulates the mind through play and interaction with the pretty wooden pins. Everyone loves to play in the Woodyard.

The Beer Leg

A corruption of the old Dutch/Spanish term Boer Légar (meaning: 'to hand-down a young Farmer for gain'), this is the most important part of the night, and usually the least fun for all concerned. Banter drops away, concentration is at an absolute peak, there's big money at stake now. As much as £1.50 can be won or lost at this stage of the game, and the tension in grown men's wallets can make or break a throw. The gloves are off now, sometimes even cardigans and jumpers come off too, it's a case of who blinks first and the winner takes, quite literally, all. How's it played? I don't know! I throw with my eyes shut at this stage of the game...

Scoring

Your guess is as good as mine. Nobody knows how the scoring works. A player Sets, he/she Throws, someone wins, someone loses. That's it really. Answers on a postcard.

*The league tables appear in the Market Harborough Mail in the Sport section, alongside Dominos and Cribbage. That's good enough for me!

Next: Skittling Etiquette

Introducing... 'Señor Markio', the Skittling Donkey



Señor Markio, he say 'Eeyore Kev, I'm Setting'



Beer & Skittles (& Suppers) are Back!

The unique (and slightly pointless) 'Beer & Skittle' blog, will be stirring from enforced Winter slumber and clogging up your hard drive once again. Expect plenty of  'Beer Blather', Skittle Whittle' and 'Cheese...err! Wheeze', as we sail erratically through the Northamptonshire (& Leicestershire) Table Skittles Tuesday Summer League, and quite possibly beyond...

To get things started, here's the final standings of the Wednesday Winter League, with last years table for comparison. You'll notice we've improved our position from 'almost last', to 'firmly mid-table', which is testament to the number of times I've been dropped throughout the Winter.. and Jim 'Kingpin' McQueenie of course.

Ready!... Set!.... erm.... Set!

My Loss is Our Win

On a night which may well go down in skittling folklore as 'The Game of a Thousand 7's (and other numbers)' the mighty Red Lion 'B' finished the regular season with a resounding 'Just about Won' at the Bulls Head, Arthingworth.

The margin of victory may have been narrow, but the game was quite literally wide open until the final plucky contestants locked Cheeses in the Grand Skittling Arena. With the game poised on a knife Block, Red Lion 'B' needed just one more leg to take the spoils. Would it be a 'Hock-Too-Far', or could the brave tail-ender bring home the proverbial Leg-Cut-of-Bacon?... with lashings of peas and gravy.

Well obviously he did, or we wouldn't have won! But it was a scrawny bit of Leg, served lukewarm, and lacking the luxury garnish of peas or gravy... or even cabbage. A 7-4 loss no less. 'Rubbish', came the cry. Groans all round. So thoroughly lacking in inspiration was his performance that Red Lion 'B' deigned to throw away a 2 leg lead, and lose the Beer Leg. Well that's a lot of legs to lose. There really is only one word for it. Absolutely Bloody Legless!

So who was this hapless young skittler? Which team member was given the simple task of an easy One-Leg win for victory, yet very nearly managed to throw the whole game away. Who was the fool? Stand up and show yourself you skittling numbskull. Heat the Tar and pluck the Goose, this man needs a jolly good seeing to....

Well.......

.......let's just say that recriminations are not our style. Retribution is a game for lesser teams. We shake hands, we eat supper, and we move on to the next thrilling encounter. Poor play will never become an issue at the Red Lion. The game is played in the spirit of fun, and a generous helping of good old fashioned bonhomie. It would be wrong to name the accused, perhaps even wrong to ever mention this sorry episode again....

Besides, at the Red Lion there's a robust and well defined system in place, designed to reward good play, and encourage better play from those who've failed to measure up to team captain Fiona 'You're Dropped Mark' Barby's exacting skittling standards. I'm sure the offender will take it like a man if and when he's 'dropped' from the team for the next match. Fiona 'You're Dropped Mark' Barby is firm but fair in her assessment of performance, and I'm sure she can be relied on to do the right thing, only dropping a player after a long hard look at the little black book of averages.

A Donkey, yesterday

Next Match: Knockout Cup (28th Sept) To be played at Catholic Club, Market Harborough... unless I've been dropped of course!

The Beer-neccesities of Life

As far as the Summer Skittling is concerned, we're now well and truly on the home straight. Naturally this is the cue for Red Lion 'B' to lose concentration, meander off the straight and narrow, and take a few diversions into the dodgy culdesacs of 'Near-miss', 'Lose-badly', and 'Sneak-a-Win'. Such is life in the Tuesday 'B' League.

Last weeks narrow victory came on the back of the Red Lion's Beer & Cider Festival. You'll forgive me if I don't give a blow-by-blow account of the heroics of the night. I wasn't playing, and there were one or two barrels of beer that needed my careful and undivided attention. Through half closed eyes I vaguely recall the clatter and clunk of polished Boxwood, occasional cries of 'They'll Go', and the gentle screech of chalk on board. Desborough Services came and went, then came back again for the Beer Leg. Did the Red win? I couldn't honestly say. It had been a long weekend, and this was my only chance to catch up on some well earned sleep...

...anyway, jerking awake just in time to grab a Sausage and a handfull of Chips, it was off home to dream of Brown Beer and burning pentagrams. Yes, it's another trip into the mysterious Arthingworth Rectangle. Our carriage for the night has been meticulously prepared for the trip with a liberal sprinkling of Holy Water. Team captain and designated driver for the night, Fiona 'Sat-Nav Not Required' Barby, has also anointed herself, with a dab or two of Dr Thompsons Original Tincture of Garlic behind the ears. But will it be enough!!!!

Beer Report: Lots of...

Next Match (Away): Bulls Head, Arthingworth (Tonight)